Musk vs. Zuck: The Greatest Event of the Century

The program writeup to the cage match between Musk and Zuckerberg has been leaked!

Welcome to the Greatest Event of the Century

Welcome all to this one-of-a-kind event, sure to be mythologized and retold for generations and millennia to come! Tonight: two titans of tech are here to battle it out, not by means of a quiz show or a bidding war for some charity event, but by means of raw hand-to-hand combat in caged steel.

There are many questions at hand leading up to this fight: Which man is more business savvy? Who is the sharper programmer? Will the new Meta social network, Threads, become a match for Twitter? How will we handle the challenge of misinformation during the 2024 Presidential Election? What are we going to do about the world climate crisis? Absolutely none of these questions will be answered tonight. But the one question which trumps the importance of all of these will indeed be answered: which of these two men has more raw, physical, masculine energy?

We are thrilled to be hosting this event in a Las Vegas arena, though we understand many of our patrons were looking forward to this event taking place in the official Colosseum in Rome. To reconcile this issue, our friends at Apple have provided an advanced release of the Vision Pro mixed reality headset! With this device, which can be found under your seats, you can easily switch on a Colosseum background setting, so that the two titans will appear to be duking it out on the same blood soaked land as the gladiators. This device is yours to keep, as it is included with the price of your $10,000 ticket. And it will automatically be set to record your viewing experience, so that you can relive the experience of watching this event in person anytime.

Rest assured the fight itself will not be a simulation. The match will be officiated by ChatGPT, along with a panel of MMA experts who will have the opportunity to dispute the bot’s decisions. Should decisions be escalated to a final authority, Oprah Winfrey, who is present through Zoom, will have final say.

We would like to take this time to clarify that the gang war in the parking lot, involving representatives of Twitter, Mastodon, Blue Sky, Threads, and Substack Notes, wherein one contender “accidentally” produced a grenade, was not an officially organized competition. Reports indicate an argument on social media escalated quickly. No one was fatally harmed, and the organizers cannot officially condone unorganized violence. The official match will have medical staff on standby for Mr. Musk, should he become injured. Mr. Zuckerberg, we assume, will rely on a self-repair mode or a cybernetic healing chamber for any of his emergency needs.

Many patrons are also asking about what happened to the betting pool organized by Mr. Musk. We understand this was hosted on Twitter, and Mr. Musk took down the pool when he began to see most people were betting against him.

About the Contenders

Musk

Reigning from Pretoria, South Africa and now residing in a $50,000 miniature home in South Texas, Elon Reeve Musk (6’1”, 190 lbs, 52 yrs) may be the more elderly combatant, but his keen knowledge on artificial intelligence will help him defend against attacks by the likes of Zuckerberg, who is half robot.

With a net worth of 247 billion dollars, Musk clearly has a psychological advantage over Zuckerberg, who has a mere 100 billion. Likewise, Zuck is only the CEO of one Big Tech company, while Musk currently possesses the title for two and has many founding credits to his name.

Zuck

Reigning from White Plains, New York, and now residing in Silicon Valley, Mark Elliot Zuckerberg (5’7”, 155 lbs, 39 yrs) has a white belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and is adept at conquering his opponents by mimicking everything they do.

Most of Zuck’s wealth can be attributed to partial ownership of Meta, which he retained after a successful and fierce defense against a lawsuit by the Winklevoss twins. Should the final results of the match be determined through legal dispute, experts agree Zuck will have the upper hand.

Raffle Madness

Your ticket includes an automatic entry to a raffle to be held after the main event. Patrons who manage to watch the entire event without glancing at their phone will be awarded an extra five tickets. The list of prizes includes:

• An ayahuasca retreat in Peru with Jack Dorsey

• The horse Mr. Musk attempted to trade for an erotic massage

• A one-hour mentoring session with Mr. Zuckerberg (can be exchanged for a combo meal at Dairy Queen if desired)

• A canal ride through Venice, Italy (experienced virtually through Vision Pro’s beta version of the Apple World Tours app)

• A retweet by Mr. Musk, sure to get your promotional message a few million views

• Free Facebook ads for life

• Unlimited use of OpenAI’s API features

Apologies to Make-A-Wish

The organizers of this event would like to sincerely apologize to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, as this venue was originally booked for these dates to host one of their biggest charity events of the year. However, due to the urgency of a once-in-a-lifetime brawl between two of the world’s richest men, the owners of this venue decided to bump Make-A-Wish. Please consider making a $5 donation at the booth on your way out as a thank you. The owners would like to note: “At least one wish child has been confirmed on record saying their wish was to see Mr. Musk and Mr. Zuck fight ‘to the death.’”